Wednesday, July 23, 2014

I have nowhere to put my feet

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Whoa. This month it feels like I couldn't breathe at all. University choir mini-concert preparation, barely got enough sleep because of papers due the next day every week, group projects where not everyone was willing to cooperate, taking care of my major's student welcoming, settling all the letters and bills because I'm moving out of my current condo, but yeah, still better than cramming until dawn comes in high school :/
...last weekend I was out of the country for my grandma's cremation. Not that close to her, but- still, I've spent quite a number of years living together with her. Family is family, after all.
I don't know why I cried, because of the things I did to her as an immature adolescent? Or because of the regret that I didn't spend enough time trying to tighten the bond with her?
Maybe it was both. I didn't even realize all my fault until she was gone.
But I've chanted all the prayers I could that I hope can be heard of,
I hope she still remembers my voice.

I hate to pour my negative emotion into a space that's supposed to deliver delight to others. But when you're tired and you barely have time for yourself, the thoughts you thought doesn't matter; the ones you always brush off, find their home again in your mind. And the battle between your ego and civilized self is getting more intense, feeding the small matters into big ones and big problems into huge ones.
I don't know why I'm writing it here-I have nowhere to tell it to. Maybe because I want attention. Maybe because it's tiring to look happy-go-lucky all the time and inside myself I plea for people to see the hint of burden I carry in my eyes. But recognizing it will bring no use, because I'd still keep my mouth shut about what's happening.
I know, I don't really understand myself hahaha.
Well and it's too late to be online now for someone who has morning class tomorrow, going to sleep~! ٩(❛ัᴗ❛ั )

1 comment :

  1. I'm sorry for your loss. I think this blog is 100% your personal space and you should feel free to discuss whatever you want to. It sounds like you've been really busy though. I hope you get some time to relax, breathe, and grieve as much as you need to <3

    ReplyDelete

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